I have been neglecting my writing, which means that I have been missing myself. Tonight I went to bed, trying to feel tired, but couldn't get there. Mostly, this is caused by the discomfort of having my mother visit for two weeks. We are more than halfway through and I can see the light, but it is still tough. Many women see their mother every day and they are used to all the slings and arrows of childhood being flung back and forth all life long. I went three thousand miles away, as soon as I had the choice and it was perhaps the only clear decision of my life. There was just no doubt that I wanted to be far away from my birthplace.
I can't even say that there is anything wrong with my mother. It's just that I hate to see all the ways I am just like her. I just can't stand the similarities. And I can't act like my normal adult being when she is in the house. I run to work to relax into who I have become. That is all worthy of endless therapy, but it is easier to keep a big country between us.
For right now, I am keeping a little list of the things I will do when I get normal life back. Sorry, Mom.
Roxie sez
ReplyDeleteIf it's not one thing, it's your mother. The Chinese ideogram for conflict is two women under one roof. If you are like her, then she is also strong, intelligent, and takes things to heart.
If she will open up, mine her history. What was the best birtday she ever had. What did she do in the summer when she was a kid? What did she like to read? What music did she listen to? See if you can get her to write down the story of her life.
Try to see her less as your mom and more as someone who has experienced a lot of history. It sure helped me in dealing with my mom.
Good luck!
Ah well. Maybe you'll get a poem (or 10) out of it...
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